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Dear Dougy Podcast: conversations about grief and loss

Drawing from over 30 years of stories and wisdom from grieving children, teens, and adults, the Dear Dougy Podcast is opening up the conversation about dying, death, and bereavement. As humans, we all experience loss during our lives, but often find ourselves lost and unsure when it comes to navigating the grief that follows. Whether you’re grieving a death, or wanting to support someone who is, the Dear Dougy Podcast can help explore your questions about grief. Produced by the staff of The Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon, the Dear Dougy Podcast is a mostly-question-and-answer conversation, and occasionally includes other visitors in the field of dying, death, and bereavement. Have a question to ask? Send it our way at help@dougy.org, with the word ‘podcast’ somewhere in the subject line.
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Dear Dougy Podcast: conversations about grief and loss
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Now displaying: May, 2015
May 29, 2015

In this episode, Jana DeCristofaro and The Dougy Center's CEO, Donna Schuurman discuss terms to avoid, and what to say instead, when talking about suicide. Here is a link to download our Tip Sheet on how to support children and teens who have had someone die of suicide.

Terms not to use (and why):

1. “Committed Suicide”

Committed suicide,’ with its implications of criminality, is a carryover from the Middle Ages, when civil authorities, finding the victim beyond their reach, punished the survivors by confiscating their property. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and burials, and suicide was considered both illegal and sinful by the laws and religions of the time.

 

2. “Completed Suicide” or "Successful Suicide"

These terms make it seem like something to celebrate: He completed this! She was successful!

 

3. “Suicided”

We don't say someone "cancered" or "car accident-ed"...

 

4. Using "suicide" as a noun (as in "he was a suicide") 

This reduces the person to the mode of their death. 

 

Better terms:

 

1. Died by Suicide

The Compassionate Friends was the first to officially adopt the terms ‘died by suicide’ or ‘died of suicide. ’

 

2. Died of Suicide 

Here's a general Rule of Thumb: If you can’t substitute the word “Cancer,” you may want to reconsider how you're using the word "suicide." He died of cancer: He died of suicide.

 

3. State how the person died (jumped off a bridge; took an overdose); of course, this is the personal preference of family members, something not all will choose to do)

 

4. “Suicide Death”

 Advocated by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. (Some find it repetitive in that suicide IS by definition a death. (Whereas, for example “cancer” by definition does not always mean a death.)

May 18, 2015

In this episode, Jana talks with Jenna, a participant in The Dougy Center's group for young adults, about the experience of losing her mom when she was a child and then her father, just before the start of her senior year at college. 

For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/

Other great resources for young adults who are grieving:

Websites

www.modernloss.com

www.whatsyourgrief.com

Books

Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers

The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

May 1, 2015

Tips for grieving through Mother’s Day

  • Whether you want to acknowledge the day or want to ignore it, know that the lead up, for many people, is the worst part. It can help to make a plan for the days leading up to Mother’s Day.
  • If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them and their teacher ahead of time about possible activities at school. Work with the teacher and the child to come up with alternatives and options. 
  • Let children know they can still celebrate Mother’s Day - and that it’s okay if they don’t want to. Don’t force children to pick another adult to honor, unless it’s something they want to do. 
  • Know that there will be an inundation of advertisements in many places. If needed, come up with some strategies to navigate shopping and social media. 
  • Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Maybe choose a favorite picture and think ahead about what you want to write. 
  • Identify other women in your life you would like to celebrate- and - it’s okay if you don’t want to. Don’t pressure yourself to put someone in that role if it feels inconsiderate, impossible, or dishonoring of your mom. 
  • Plan something for yourself - massage, hike, brunch with friends, etc. Decide what environment you want to be in, knowing that you are likely to run into moms and families.
  • Get together with or reach out to others who are grieving the loss of their mom. 
  • Focus on a category - say food, movies, activities, color, or music - choose a few from one or all the categories that your mom loved. Plan part or all of the day to do something with those elements. Maybe it’s eating a favorite meal while watching a loved movie and wearing their favorite color. This is a great one to include children. 
  • Volunteer - doing for others can often take us out of our own experience and create a sense of contribution, belonging, and connection. 
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